any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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