Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
