Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
