I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
