totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
