i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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