You're completely useless in the revolution.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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