somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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