Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
