Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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