onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
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told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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