my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
