Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
