New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
