Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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