If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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