i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if only i could text you this smell
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
