I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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