I checked into jail on foursquare
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
