So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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