So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
