Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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