Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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