plz talk dirty to me
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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