Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
