I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
