I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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