Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
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Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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