Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
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this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
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Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back