Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.