I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday