I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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