i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
