I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
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I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
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My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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