He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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