Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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