i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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