1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
