I puked a lego.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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