happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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