If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
