Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
