I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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