Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
