Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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