Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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