The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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