Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
