I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
