By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i barfeds in our rink
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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