so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
