I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize