I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
