11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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