Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
