We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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